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It can feel like ~everybody~ uses dating apps. But, that's not true, as I'm sure you and I both know people (perhaps yourself!) who don't. Though being on dating apps may seem like the norm, that's not the case with everybody — people meet partners in real life all the time. For instance,I did Appless April, Bustle's challenge to take delete your dating apps for a month and ended up loving it. After all, meeting future dates in person, without the help of an app, is natural and faster — you omit all the back-and-forth, the matches who just want to be pen-pals, the matches who ghost...
'The biggest advantage to meeting potential dates in real life is getting to experience their vibe right away, which is something no online dating platform can deliver,' Thomas Edwards, founder of The Professional Wingman, tells Bustle. 'This increases your odds of making good choices on who to go on a date with. There's no better way to gauge attraction and chemistry than to be physically present with someone.'
I definitely hear that! As efficient as some dating apps are — I mean, you can message someone one minute and literally be out on a date with them the next! — going to a friend's birthday party and hitting it off with somebody IRL is even more so. Not to mention that dating apps are often a dating Band-Aid or crutch for people, I think. An example? Recently at a restaurant, I started talking to two guys at the table next to me (one was reading a book and had a Powell's City of Books bookmark — I love that indie bookstore in Portland!). Somehow, dating apps came up and they said they had deleted theirs, since having apps made them approach women less in person, 'because we can just go home and swipe later.' So, they said their luck was much better IRL when they didn't have the apps to rely on as a back-up. Great point.
All the above said, here's how 18 Millennials continually find dates IRL. You may be able to relate, or you may get ideas on new places to meet people.
'Mostly, not being on a dating app has to do with privacy and being happy every day with life as it is. Any moment I haven't met the 'man of my dreams' is a moment to take care of myself, friends, and family, and to do something to improve my own life. It has never felt right to me to cast a wide net and look to bring a person into my life. So rather than looking for someone to date, I practice being happy every day on my own, and it helps me see the incredible people who are already in my network of friends, neighborhood, and community. It helps me love the work I do, build a better home, deepen friendships, and be more creative. I won't put that vital energy into scanning through profiles of people I don't have any contact with. I meet incredible people through friends, while hearing live music, at coffee shops, etc. If you're willing to make eye contact and smile at people, it's sort of like swiping through photos in real life. You instinctively know who you want to talk to, who you want as a friend, and who you are attracted to.'
'I'm in NYC and I'm no longer on dating apps for the simple reason that I don't get any dates out of them. I assume it's because I photograph really poorly or dropped out of college to become an entrepreneur, but I NEVER get matches and never get dates out of it. In my most recent stint on and Bumble earlier this year, I swiped right on maybe 1,500 or so women over the course of weeks without a single match. It's terrible for my self-esteem. I'd generally get one response out of 75 or so messages sent out on OKC. So I stopped.
Meeting women in person is extremely easy. They're 50 percent of the population, after all. I meet them all over the place — at bars, parties, dating events like Social Concierge, etc. It's really as easy as introducing yourself and starting a conversation. If you go into it with the goal of having a fun conversation, there's no pressure. If we're both enjoying the conversation and feeling a connection, I'll ask for her number. I find it's really hard not to have a fun conversation if they're interested in chatting. For what it's worth, I start conversations with everyone, everywhere. Everyone has an interesting story to tell!'
'I'm not on dating apps because I write publicly about vulnerable issues like eating disorders, PCOS, and recovery at I Haven't Shaved In Six Weeks, and I would prefer to meet people organically to explain that. I've tried dating apps before without linking my social media or mentioning my blog, but, the truth is, people know how to find you. Plus, I think it's human nature to 'talk' (text) to someone and want to immediately have more info at your fingertips. I don't enjoy feeling as though I need to put my writing — or my story — on defense before meeting someone. Most men were understanding, but it always left me feeling like we were at a disadvantage because my life story is on the Internet and they are not. I didn't feel it gave me the best opportunity to date.
Instead, I meet people loads of ways. I've gone on dates through volunteering for a nonprofit. I've gone on dates through friends of friends. My ex — I met at a friend's wedding. I attend a book club and writing class, and have met people that way. I don't attend Meetups or dating 'mingles.' I just live my life and people come along on planes or trains. In more interesting cases, I've gone on dates a couple times with men who have written to me off my contact page on my blog to thank me for giving them insight into their mother's/sister's/brother's/son's/whomever's eating disorder or addiction recovery — kinda like a You've Got Mail situation. I've hiked with a man and we had emailed back and forth for months prior. There's interesting ways to meet people, I'm confident of that.'
'I tried apps but got burnt out (who doesn't?!). Now, I go to events I'm truly interested in, like comedy shows and book signings, and if I meet someone there, great. If not? At least I was out doing something I like to do! Also, I feel apps are too forced. When you meet someone at one of the above events, for instance, it's natural, and you don't have to do all the back-and-forth that apps require — not to mention, so many people flake or stop messaging anyway!'
'Friends of friends are my go-to. If I don't meet women at a social event I'll naturally attend, like a birthday party, sometimes I'll just flat-out ask male and female friends if they have anyone to introduce me to. You don't know if you don't ask!'
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Full disclosure: I'm a firm supporter of dating apps. Yes, theycan be overwhelming, and I encountered plenty of incompatible matches before I met my now-husband on Tinder, but I totally get that dating apps aren't for everyone. Many of my friends have given apps like Tinder and Bumble a try before deciding they weren't well-suited to the swipe life, and that's OK. If you don't like dating apps, you're certainly not alone, and there's probably a good reason why online dating just isn't for you.
'For better and for worse, dating apps have become the new normal for dating,' licensed therapist Nicole Richardson previously explained to Elite Daily. 'People no longer have to be vulnerable in person and approach strangers because they can use their phone to buffer a lot of the anxiety required to meet someone new.' And while that may be a benefit for some, others may find that buffer way too impersonal or even detrimental to their self-esteem. As harmless as it seems to spend an hour swiping through matches before bed, dating apps may be taking more of a toll on your mental health or happiness than you realize. Here are a few signs that dating apps might not be for you.
Even if you tend to idly swipe through matches while you're watching TV or laying in bed, dating apps can be majorly time-consuming, especially if you're actually starting and maintaining conversations with those matches. Life is already busy enough without having to juggle 10 different conversations at once. When swiping starts to feel more like an obligation than something exciting, you're probably better off meeting people IRL than online.
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As online dating expert Julie Spira previously explained to Elite Daily, 'Committing to a chunk of time with someone you’ve never met can be daunting.' And when you're committing time to several people you've never met, you might feel like you're wasting your time rather than using it effectively.
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Pricilla Martinez, CEO of Regroop Online Life Coaching, agreed with Spira when she told Elite Daily, '...[Online] dating is an investment of time and energy into someone else. If you’re not seeing a return on that investment, move on.' Spending time on dating apps is an investment, and if you feel like yours isn't paying off, then it may be time to quit the apps.
Having matches flake out on you is frustrating, but what's even worse is the effect that rejection can have on your self-confidence. Sure, rejection is something you're just as likely to encounter in person as you are on dating apps. But being swiped left or having your message go unanswered can hurt much worse than someone just admitting they're not into you.
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A study conducted in 2016 by the University of North Texas found that Tinder users seemed to have lower self-esteem and a more negative body image than people who didn't use the app. In a statement, one of the study's authors, Jessica Strübel, explained, 'We found that being actively involved with Tinder, regardless of the user’s gender, was associated with body dissatisfaction, body shame, body monitoring, internalization of societal expectations of beauty, comparing oneself physically to others, and reliance on media for information on appearance and attractiveness.'
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Dating apps are not only a numbers game — they can oftentimes feel like a beauty contest, as well. You might even find yourself criticizing other users more harshly than you would in person, as well as looking at yourself with a more critical eye. A good dating experience should raise your self-esteem, not lower it, and it's possible that using Tinder and other apps is hurting you more than it's helping.